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I Saved My Marriage Remembering My Parents Divorce

I remember it like it was yesterday. My mom seemed to be in a big hurry, she was crying and throwing things into the trunk of the car. I asked her what was happening but all she said to me was, hurry up, get your little sister and get in, we’re leaving. Where are we going? I asked, but got no answer, she was not in the mood to talk. As I was getting my sister in the car, she saw that Mom was crying, so she started to cry as well. I didn’t understand what was happening, but I knew it wasn’t good, and I was afraid.
As we were backing out of the driveway, I saw Dad come to Moms window crying, begging her to please stay, please don’t go, and saying that he was very, very sorry. Mom just rolled up the window and ignored him. I had never seen my Dad cry before and the site of that happening terrified me. Dads don’t cry, even when they’re hurt, so I knew that something horrible had happened but I had no way of understanding what it was.
I didn’t know it at the time but my life changed that day. My parents ended up getting divorced and things like having a mother and a father around all the time never happened again. My sister and I went to live with mom, I don’t really know what Dad did, I don’t remember seeing him come around very often until some years later. Things were tough but we survived and managed to get by, but I know it was difficult for mom raising two children alone. I know she did the best she could but I always wished, and still do, that things could have been different.
Fast-forward twenty plus years, a marriage, and two young children later. I guess I hadn’t learned a damn thing because I found myself in the same position I remember my dad being in, as I flashed back to that fateful day. I was begging my wife to please stay, please don’t end our marriage, can we please try to make it work. And just like it was with my mom, my pleas just fell on deaf ears, she would have none of it. My wife and I were on our way towards divorce, and I felt helpless in trying to stop it.
I suppose I did learn something from my parent’s situation, and that was how I felt as a child going through a divorce. How much I missed my dad, how much I wished we were a family again. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, let alone my own children. I didn’t want them to feel what I had felt, and how hard it was. There had to be something I could do, but what? I didn’t know anything about how to approach my predicament but I sure as hell was going to try.
It took everything I could muster; I stumbled many times and sometimes even thought it couldn’t be done. But I had to continue; I loved her and our kids so much that I had to make it work. I had to start all over again. I had to take her back to the time before we knew each other. I had to meet her again for the first time. I had to show her that I cared for her and wanted to be friends again. I asked her out on dates and courted her again. I showed her that I was 100% committed to her and our family and that she could trust and rely on me again. This process of starting over took time, but as the trust and caring between us grew we were drawn to each other again. The passion that we lost for each other reappeared, and we fell in love again. Yes it took time, but it was well worth it. You see, we are now a happy family again; dad, mom, two beautiful children and we plan on keeping it that way.…

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Part 4 – Divorce Is Not Chess and Children Are Not Pawns

In my last article I wrote about the teamwork that is needed to make sure we don’t treat a broken relationship like chess and use children as pawns. We have the parents, the friends, family, new partners and sadly the children emotions all tied up in this horrible game of tug of war. Have you ever seen a real tug of war? It only ends up one way wherein one side is stronger than the other and the losing side usually ends up being dragged over a line that has been placed on the ground that they don’t want to go. The losing side then fall over and the game is over, stronger side wins. The other interesting part of a tug of war are the players on each team. The players have to really dig their feet into the ground to make sure they get a good strong hold of their position to make sure that the other team is always struggling for grip which makes the potential of losing even higher.
Now, do you see the similarities of tug of war and a couple who broke up?
Line drawn in the sand, feet dug in, make life as difficult as possible for those on the “other” side and in the middle we have the child or children watching this horrible back and forth and positioning.
Well what if the tug of war was a different game? What if on one side of the rope was all those involved in a relationship breakdown and what if the other side had as its team members all the nasty things that get involved those being, Bitterness, Anger, Rage, Pay back, Abuse, Denial, and the team captain BLAME. What if all those team members got dragged across a line and ended up in a big huge hole those got covered in dirt and was never seen again? Wow that would be prefect wouldn’t it? Am I dreaming is it possible? Could all sides totally cast away all ill feelings for each other and focus on the major goal? Is that goal being for the Children not to end up as pawns in a game of chess?
I believe it is possible and I have done it and so have many others and it comes back to what I closed my last article with. What we need to look at is TEAMWORK, but I will give you the heads up, it’s not going to be easy but nothing worth having is ever easy. The plan for teamwork will take eating a bit of humble pie, it will involve meeting and discussing situations and circumstances with people you have most likely vowed you would not spit on if they were on fire, but sorry better get that spit ready!
So how do we arrange the team, well the major players and usually the biggest enemies that being the Boy and Girl involved in the relationship, and that means you’re going to have to sit down and put all the other stuff aside that has nothing to do with the kids and work out a structured plan of how the role as “parents” will not only survive this trauma but prosper. Let me remind you I say the role as “Parents” as it’s totally separate from “Partner” and the game of chess is fueled by the inability to separate those two roles, so are we clear? NO choice or option on this if we want to move forward to TEAMWORK we have to bite the bullet on separation of roles, OK now I have your buy in on that we can move forward.
In your team meeting you have to look at every activity that normal parenting has as part of its role. That will be school, sport, family events, discipline, love, birthdays, doctor, dentist the list can be long but all of it is part and parcel of “Parents” not “parent” and once the list is complete there must be total agreement that both of you are responsible for all of it, yes there may be actions that are done by an individual but the planning, discussion and follow up is a PARENTS responsibility not a PARENT.
The next step of this meeting is to discuss what events would create the environment for a tug of war to begin? Let me help you out and remind you of the McDonalds access children change, if you think that will involve trauma both of you better eat some humble and stick to easiest of Changing station that being HOME. OK so he left you or she left you well sorry get over it, the house may have bad memories with the partner but to kids its home so get sued to picking them up and roping …